Adventures: Battle or Bus Pt. 4: The Game & The God

(As told by a spectator in the crowd)


Aight, so check it, right? This Fed nigga destroys Crook L or whatever the fuck his name is and we snatch his ass up, namsayin? Next thing you know Game steps in all huffin, puffin and shit outta nowhere. Now I know I'm just a nigga in the crowd, but shit, I was tryna catch a flighy my-damn-self, y'know? But fuck all that, I'm into the battle now.

When Fed said that shit about Game being locked up for 50 years for impersonating an MC, he wasn't kidding. Game was already on his 6th year so I'm like *ppssshhh* fuck he get outta there and shit? See back in 2021, not too long after the USA became the Newnited States of Rap it was like all mandated and stuff that fraud wasn't tolerated on any level especially in rap. Part of some "Keep it 103" Law or something like that. So impersonating an MC today is like... like.... 1st degree murder in this bitch. And nobody takes this law more serious than President Snoopy D-O-Dub. But anyways back to this battle.

The P.A. nigga comes on again he's all: IT'S THE GAME VS FED!!! 64 STRAIGHT BARS!!! YOU CRACK, YOU LOSE!!! YOU GO IN, YOU FLY!!! LET'S GO!!!

So the nigga is about to get it in and next thing you know a light starts all shining all bright and shit. I'm talking like, police car bright, cuzo. Blinding everybody up in this bitch. When the flash finally stops beaming in my fuckin eyes, everybody in this bitch silent. I look up and I'm shuttin the fuck up off rip. Nigga, you don't disrespect the God MC. Damn, right. You heard it. Rakim, in all his realness hovering above it Fed & Game with the both of them just lookin up. Fed must don't know any better cuz before Rakim Allah can say a word...


"Ayo! What the fuck, fool!!! I'm tryna battle up in this bitch, DAMN!" Fed snaps at him!


I know this nigga.... did NOT... just size Ra up like that. The God's eyes light up, I'm talking like completely white haze up in here... like he's Raiden or something and the entire ground starts shaking hard as fuck! Now, I'da ran myself, but being from the West? Shiiiiiiiiiit, quakes are like random traffic stops. Everybody know what its like. You just waiting for it to happen again.


"Silence, kid...," Ra's voice booms like a James Earl Jones.... if he was from New York.
"Nigga, forrrrrrrrrr WHAT?! As if I'm not having a fucked up enough day as it is! I got half jacked by Kurupt, sent on a secret mission to NY by $ykotic, jammed up in here, I gotta rap my ass off to get on this plane, Game's unexplicably out the clink, and now YOU'RE here! And can somebody tell me how the fuck Nipsey Hussle got an AIRLINE JOB?! Nigga, I want answers."
"There is foul shit goin on, homie. As God MC I'm making it my personal business now to see that this is a fair contest, na'mean?" Rakim says to Fed. He starts lowering from the air to the ground while he talking. Everybody's all quiet and shit. Like you never seen a nigga fly before. DMX 737 Hijacking in 2016, anybody?
"So whatchu tryna say? This shit ain't no coincidence?"
"That's something you have to find out on your own. You got some miles to put on, aight? Now... Let's get this battle started."


Ain't nobody scared anymore, but slowly loud cheers emerge from the crowd as the battle gets read to jump again. Beat? Shit... couldn't have done it better myself. DJ starts spinning What's the Difference by Dr. Dre. Nigga, it's on!!!

Adventures: Battle or Bus Pt. 3 - Crooked Embarrasment

As told by Fed....

Hype to Vans, I can't believe this guy is ready to go. Hold on... I guess Mr. I is about to strike when out of nowhere the announcer come back on:

AIGHT YA'LL MUFUCKAZ!!! WE GON DO IT A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS ROUND!!! THESE NIGGAZ GON GO FOR 32 IN 4X8 ROUNDS!!! EACH ARTIST'S 8BARS BACK TO BACK AFTER THE OTHER UNTIL IT'S OVER. YOU HEARD ME, NIGGA!!! CROOK GO 8, FED GO 8 AND YA DON'T STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!! NO STOPPIN, NO FLINCHIN!!! LET'S GO!!!

Aight... that's a real nice switch... Besides.. it's more fun that way.

"So what you waiting for, playboy?" I jeer at Crook.
"I'm just savoring this moment... I'm coming back after this one," he responds.
"That's some inspiring shit, nigga. Homo, but inspiring. Shut up and go."

Crooked I/Federal Ranga

This is Crook's house now and you about to get slaughtered
I would son this nigga, but he's more like my daughter
You're way out of order. Out of time. Go to sleep
Little boy. Crooked I is Cronos on beats
And my flow so heat I burn Lincoln's Cabin
As for talent? I don't know what makes you think you have it
My skill? Can't match it. I guess you one of those guys
Who doesn't know spitting garbage is a filthy habit
No Vans on, but you still getting rolled on
Fuck a Slaughterhouse that's been forclosed on
You another hasbeen that just can't sell
So believe it when I say, "Crooked I's taking a STRAIGHT L"
Ya man Buddens is looking for someone to call out
Royce ain't been the same since him and Em had a fallout
The only cool one in ya shit is Ortiz
And he know what it was last time he saw me

Suddenly the beat switches to E-40's "Automatic"

My flow smoother than the moves of Lil Tight Eyez
See, I was playing with you Fed. Now it's no more Mr. Nice Guy
No more bullshit. That ain't what I came here to do
I gotta eat you. I was taught not to play with my food
And I'm straight in the mood to do you all kinda ways
Insomianc type flow. I do this night and day
You can see it in my face, I'm not the one to get heated
I body bag rappers. No toe tags needed
My nigga, you about to piss myself with this hilarity
This battle is favor, bitch. I'm well known for charity
Who you gonna body bag with that average verse?
I'd kill your career. But you'd have to have one first
Church! Oh, my bad. I meant to say Chuuuch!
This West Coast bias shit ain't helping you as a crutch
I'll school you to the game, bitch. I'll set you up for classes
I'm more than meets the eye. You couldn't see me with my glasses

Then the beat switches to Fresh 83' by the Game & 50 Cent? Man, I swear this battle started to get personal.

I swear this nigga think I'm a joke when I'm rappin
He must've forgot that people die laughing
Nigga, I fathered ya style. I technically invented you
I am the prototype. I do what you pretend to do
Nobody's into you. So why you acting all manish?
What its like to always be known as Tony Grand$ bitch?
Fuck you. Give me mills. Crook say what he really feel
You Milli Vanilli lil nigga that's your Achille's Heal
See you done fucked up now. Aye, this bitch gotta go
Grand$ my nigga. But Fed ain't ever dick rode a soul
Yeah I'm part of the Commission!!! Got power you couldn't fathom
Cuz I spit the kinda heat scientists use to split atoms
So with all due respect where respect is due
I can respectfully say I have no respect for you
You can't jump with me, bitch. You lost from the tip off
This a call off, you ain't fall off. You slipped off

The beat switches one last time... It couldn't be more perfect. Still D.R.E. by the Good Doctor

You stuck on your high horse. I'll take you down a step
Just by showing up, you served and clowned yaself
Shit. If I were you, I would break quick nigga
I don't discriminate. I hate bitch niggaz!
I see that look in your eye. You wanna punch me in the face
Go ahead. Swing. It'll be the last punch you'll ever take
Don't be surprised. I'm just so fuckin comfy in my space
You so far behind. You should feel lucky that you raced
See, Crook. You don't know me. I'll show you a surprise
I slice and dice rappers. Plus make Julian Fries
The skill you speak of, you lack to compete
So do a Mayweather and battle who you can actually beat
Back to defeat goes you. I'm back on my feet
I been crack. To spit that, bitch, you have to be heat
Their ain't no one on my level cuz I blew right past others
So call me Mario. Cuz I just SUPER SMASHED BROTHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The force of my last punchline incited a fuckin riot, man... Before this nigga could even reach out to try to shake my hand for good sport, he was snatched back into the crowd screaming, "I failed you!!!" or some shit. Wonder what the fuck he was talking about?

"G-G-G-G-G-G-UNOT!!!" comes a voice from the background.
"Aww, man... you've gotta be joking."
"You going down, nigga. Is Compton in this bitch?!" Game screams out to a roar from the crowd.
"What the fuck are YOU doing here? Last I heard you doing like 50 to life for impersonating an MC."
"That's none of ya fuckin business, bitch," he snaps taking off his NWA chain. "Let's just say somebody did me a favor and I'm about to return it."
"Fuck... lets do it. I'm sick of all this bullshit. The fuck is Kurupt when you need him?"

Don't go nowhere... the battle gets ugly.

Adventures: Wacknificent Scandals

In an undisclosed cave somewhere in the middle of Stone Mountain, Georgia a group of men sit with evil looks on their faces...


They are the Wacknificent League of Doom.


They plot to takeover the Newnited States of Rap with their catchy hooks, autotuned voices, retarded dance crazes, technicolored insane jewelry and 3rd Grade lyricism. They are the collective of Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane, OJ Da Juiceman, The New Boyz, Bow Wow, Yung Berg, Plies, Rick Ross and the entire Young Money roster.


A woman walks around a huge board room table to a wall in the cave as all the rappers turn their attention towards her. The room goes silent she presses a button on the wall and a giant flat panel TV rises from a hidden compartment.


"Where the fuck is Weezy? That swaggerless mungkey... Always fuckin late. Not like the Bossssssss," Ross lets out frustrated.
"Brrrr...," exclaims OJ. "Mayne, it's cold as fuck in here. Who dumbazz thawt it wussa gud idere to put a fuckin boardroom in Stone Mownten?"
"Aye, ya'll shut the fuck up...," an impatient Gudda Gudda lets out.
"I'm Mack Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaine!!!" screams out Mack.
"Is that all you ever say?" Soulja Boy shoots.
"Well.... yeah, I guess. I've been having problems wi-," Mack replied.
"Nigga, I ain't talking to you... I'm on Twitter, stupid," said SB, cutting off Mack.


"EH EH UH EUH EEEEEWWWHHHHHEUUUUUEH," an autotuned screech came from the TV. It was Wayne. He'd become the leader of this League.
"Finally," Drake said with a smirk."What took you so long?"
"Nunya business. I'm the animal. The shi-"
"The shit. The best rapper alive. Weezy F. Baby. Young Carter and all that... blah blah blah... will you get ON with it already? I know it's colder in Canada, but damn... I'on wanna be in this bitch forever."
"Aight. You know I love you."


Everybody in the room raised their eyebrows to this statement.


"Anyways," Weezy restarted "If you'll redirect your attention to the split screen, you'll see everything is going according to plan. Federal Ranga has already been caught in our trap and is battling for his flight to New York. He's disposed of Nipsey as expected, but I've set up his next opponent to be Crooked I."
"AYE! Mayne, how da hell you staht speekin so gud?" a confused Juiceman asks.
"I DID go to college, remember. I'm not as dumb as I am ugly, aight? Now pay attention. Crook-"
"Wait," interrupts Omarion. "How'd you get Crooked I to battle Fed?"
"Easy. I told him that I'd sign him to Young Money when he wins."
"Good idea, nigga. YAH!" spits SB believe Wayne's BS.
"But hold, boss," Jae Millz chimes in. "Nigga, I know lyrics. What if Crook loses? I mean, Fed ain't no joke."
"It matters not," Weezy insists. "Even IF he gets past him. There's no way he can defeat who I hand selected next. Observe." The TV screen shows Fed's next opponent and the room goes wild.
"Nigguh, u a genies," says Gucci.
"I know... I know... settle down. Everybody knows what to do. So for now... just sit back-" Wayne is cut off as the TV screen goes down and off. He steps out in physical form into the room with a cigar. "And enjoy the show."


Wayne and the League all begin to laugh maniacally as they all turn to watch the Crooked I battle.


"Says your prayers, bitch. You'll never make it to New York as long I breathe," seethes a pissed off Weezy.

Adventures: Battle or Bus Pt. 2 - Nippin @ Nipsey

Remember... Gin & Juice instrumental

Nipsey's Verse:
Now why ya'll tryna make this into something that it ain't people?
He ain't built for battling. He's thinner than the Space Needle *wild oohs*
One punchline could probably crack him in half
That's why you chose a safe career at Shell pushin gas
I'm a West Coast legend. Straight facts in my own rights
And I own all my shit. You don't even have ya own life
Why you screaming Commission!!!? You da lamest in ya squad
A weed carrier who doesn't get paid to do his job *Loud Ohhhs*
Why you tryna rap homey? You ain't real
Spittin a bunch a bullshit the hood can't feel *More oohs*
Speakin of hood, we know that you not
Can't chill nowhere. But Hussle can post in ya spot
I move just about anywhere in yo city
You can ask ya bitch, Chuntell. She wanna get up with me
Matter of fact? I'ma get with her tonight
Soon as I put you on that bus and take this flight, nigga *Wild applause*

That's the best you got? Look at these clowns... all cheering, slappin fives and shit... are you serious? The DJ even acting like the nigga one already and shit. Won't even let me spit. I'm not going out like this am I?

"Ayo! DJ... Spiiiin that shit for me!" I scream at that asshole. Next thing I know a new instrumental starts spinning. Is this for me? Hell yeah. The Next Episode by Dre! Nigga, it's a wrap. So you know meeee....

Fed's Verse:
Mr. Hussle you need a lesson. So Fed is gonna teach you
I can't take you serious when you looking like a bleached Snoop *Loud ohs*
I know I'ma kill you. This isn't even fair sport
What you need my flight for? Bitch, you work at the airport! *Louder Ohs*
So I don't know how the fuck you gon destroy me
And try to leave. You can't. You're Delta's best employee *Erupting laughter*
I'm about to turn the lights out. Beat me? You
Gotta better chance crashing a plane in Suge Knight's house *Crowd daaaaaaaaamn*
You sound like the hyphy version of Kurupt, yo
And I JUST saw the nigga. Shoutouts to Kurupt, though
But fuck that. Let's get back to the business
Rip yo ass til you finish and with that I'ma end this *Beat stops, WTF?*
So these last four bars are directed at you
You'll never be shit in the game til you respect what you do
I'm the shit like Weezy except I refused to be flushed
So fuckattaheah. Where's my plane? Put this douche on the bus BIATCH! *Silence*

What? Are you kidding me? Nobody likes me... then... a sonic boom of cheers as it's obvious that I've won this shit.

"Hold the fuck up!" some nigga yells from the crowd silencing everybody as Hussle walks back to his duties. And more aggresive guy walks out towards me with a clean cut and beard and Timb boots. He ain't fuckin around. As he walks closer, everyone in the crowd moves out of his way. Dude's got much respect. Announcer comes back:

HUSSLE MAY BE GONE, BUT THE GAME'S NOT OVER YET, NIGGAZ AND NIGGETTES!!! NEXT OPPONENT!!! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKED IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!! 32 BARS, LET'S GO!!!!

More wild applause as the crowd prepares to enjoy the show.

"Your reputation preceeds you, homey," Crook reaches out to me to touch mics.
"Tell me something I don't know, fool," I snap back cockily.
"Aight... Let's handle it then."

Beat drops again... on some new shit the DJ spins... wait? Vans by The Pack? Huh? But Crook seems to be read... stay tuned